Chapter 8: The one where I stick needles in my face

Come on baby, make it hurt so good....

You probably wouldn't think that sticking needles into your face over and over again would be a good thing. 

And, yet....

As time marches on and things start to...well, let's just say no one thinks I'm 25 anymore. You know what I'm sayin'. 

Do not go quietly into that good night, y'all! Well, I guess you can go quietly, but for the love of God, don't go all wrinkly and blotchy and saggy and dull and old-lookin'. Resist!

If you opened any door, drawer, or cabinet in my bathroom you would think you fell into the skincare section of a ginormous Sephora. I'm not bragging. It's actually embarrassing. I think about how much money I've spent on lotions and potions and serums and you-name-it...well...let's just say I could have bought a lot of snacks with that money. 

A lot.

But, now? 

I feel like these new soldiers in my anti-aging army are The Ones I've been looking for! Finally! They're like the bad ass old people soldiers in that movie with Bruce Willis and Helen Mirren! 

This is the Helen Mirren of skincare tools! Because I feel like Helen Mirren would totally stab me in the face with teeny tiny needles and tell me to stop whining and that she's only doing it for my own good. 

This is a micro-roller. It's covered in tiny little needles. And you roll this thing all over your face. Basically, you just stab yourself in the face. Over and over and over. Just like Helen Mirren would do!

That sounds great, right? How could that not be awesome?

So why is this not the worst idea ever? Science. These little needles make tiny wounds all over your face. Which does two things: 

1. It makes tiny little holes that are open to whatever serum or treatment you put on immediately afterward, so it helps the ingredients penetrate and do their j-o-b.

2. It stimulates your skin to make new collagen to help heal the teeny tiny holes. And collagen is the good stuff that makes your skin dewy and glowy and plumpy and baby-y. 

After reading a bunch of stuff from skincare experts/dermatologists, I opted to try this one. There are rollers with longer needles, but from what I read, that's not necessarily the best thing...and definitely not the way you want to start. Ease yourself into stabbing yourself in the face.

Let me be clear: I have really sensitive shite skin. It's combination skin. I have pores that can double as places to store spare change...or snacks. I have rosacea and my capillaries are as fragile as a certain orange man's ego. 

I was really unsure about this thing. 

But I figured, hey, what's the worst that could happen? (Okay, so the worst that could happen would be that I stab myself in the face repeatedly and break all my capillaries and wreck my skin irreversibly.)

So I started with once a week. 

Now it's twice a week and I think that's plenty for me. And I think it's making a real difference. A BIG one. 

I'm using a serum of Hyaluronic Acid and Vitamin C both before and after stabbing myself in the face.  And, one of the two times a week I use it, I use a collagen sheet mask afterward. 

I'm not gonna lie: my skin looks so good that I didn't even put an instagram filter on my most recent selfie. 

Dammmmmn. High praise, indeed. 

I understand that some people move on to longer needles or more frequent use. Your mileage may vary. 

I expected this to be just One More Thing In My Drawer. But it isn't -- it's my new must-have and I highly recommend it. Oh, and did I mention it's cheaper than the last bottle of snail serum I bought at the K-Beauty store? 

Get you one, girl. For real.

P.S. As an added bonus, I'm linking to the serum I'm using, too. It's straightforward in its ingredients and well-priced, hasn't caused any negative reaction from my hypersensitive skin and is giving me good results. Oh, and added bonus bonus: these are the sheet masks I'm using. I freaking glow, girl. 

                                

Chapter 7: As I was saying....

Ooooo...look who's fancy

 
You probably noticed I haven't posted one of these for a while. 

Okay, pretend like you noticed. 

I was locked in a fierce battle with Amazon regarding my affiliate links. After six wildly popular posts and countless purchases made via my links (okay, when I say "countless," I think it was probably more like five, but let's not quibble), I got an email from Amazon saying "Oh, it looks like you're linking from Facebook. Thanks, but we won't pay you for links posted to Facebook."

Which is so dumb.

But, ultimately, me and my five dryer ball referrals were no match for Amazon's twisted logic and they screwed me out of that 30 cents. The Man got me. 

But now I'm back. And ready to show them that I'm the real winner here...6 cents at a time.

So if you decide to buy something I review, click on the link from the blog page. Please. And thank you. 

And, thank you to all of you who did actually go buy stuff! Honestly, when I decided to do this dumb thing, I really didn't think anyone was gonna go buy stuff. So it's been kind of fun to hear from you guys who bought one of these items and like it. Spoiler alert: sheep balls are lifechanging. Told ya.

And now...on with the show. 

From time to time, I post a selfie here and there. Usually when I get bored. Or I'm snowed in (hence my series of holiday-themed selfies). And sometimes friends are kind enough to say things like "Wow! You look amazing! That doesn't even look like you at all!"

Um.

So, what's my secret? Instagram filters, obviously. The ones that blow out all your features so you just look like two disembodied eyes floating in a vaguely flesh-colored and face-shaped space. Or like Cybill Shepard in Moonlighting when it looked like they smeared Vaseline all over the camera lens every time they shot her. And I've mastered the brightness/contrast settings to make the most of the magic that is an Instagram filter.

So, there you have it!

Okay...there is one more thing. 

This little baby. 

Release your inner glamazon with this on-the-go light that clips onto your phone and gives you the full-face lighting of your selfie dreams. Because the more light you have, the fewer wrinkles you "have"!

There are a blue million versions of this thing on the Amazon, but I settled on this one for two reasons:

1. It's rechargeable, so no batteries. 
2. It has three levels of brightnesses. 

The only thing I don't like about it is the color temperature. The LEDs are a cool white, which isn't that warm, buttery Kardashian-y GlamourShot(TM) light...but, and stop me if you've heard this one: the right Instagram filter can fix that for you!

There probably is one on Amazon that has the warm color temperature that I prefer, but seriously, did I mention there are a blue million of these things on Amazon? I don't have that kind of time. It's not like I have a research team over here scouring Amazon for stuff. 

So, go ahead, give in to the call of the selfie siren and make your selfies oh-so-swipe-right-able. Everyone takes them, so stop rolling your eyes and start smizing. It's time you stopped making duckface lips and taking photos of yourself in the bathroom where you didn't notice until it was too late that the mirror shows everyone that box of hemorrhoid cream on the cabinet behind you, and oh by the way, I can also see that you don't have any pants on. 

Treat yo'self! Give yourself a pro-level selfie game that will make your teenage daughter jealous. 

You deserve it. 

Chapter 6: The Best. Thing. Yet.

Marry me.

Sometimes you get something that makes you think "I wish I had thought of this!" or "This is so cool!" or "This just changed my life!" 

This thing makes me think all of those things. 

And more.

I legitimately don't know when I was so excited about something. 

This thing is so freaking awesome that I didn't even want to write about it because:

1. Now everyone will get one and when people come over for drinks and get to play with it, it won't be as much fun and they won't think "Man, that was the coolest thing!" (yes, I am that petty)

2. The awesomeness of this thing has so many layers to it that it's hard to try and explain it all in one post. Seriously. 

Time to end the suspense. I now present to you The Best Thing I've Bought So Far:

The Perfect Drink 2.0

What is it? Where to start. It's a scale, and it comes with a cocktail shaker (but you can use your own shaker, or a glass, or a pitcher, or whatever). 

Here's how it works: you download the Perfect Drink app to your iPad/iPhone. Then, turn on the scale and use Bluetooth to pair it to your device. Then, go through the app and cruise through more than 400 drink recipes until you find the one you want to drunk. 

Drink. The one you want to drink.

Then, put your cocktail shaker or glass or pitcher or whatever on the scale, and do what the app tells you: pour vodka until it tells you to stop. Pour vanilla vodka until it tells you to stop. Pour pineapple vodka until it tells you to stop. You get the picture. 

No jiggers necessary. No measuring. Just do what the app tells you! 

Oh, did you "accidentally" overpour that vodka (of course you did). No sweat -- the app knows and adjusts the recipe accordingly!

I know. It's awesome. But wait, because it gets so much more awesomer. 

1. The app is GOOD. Even if you don't have the scale, the app has great recipes in it. Drinks you really want to make, not a bunch of drinks that sound gross. And they regularly add new capsule collections -- recently they added a new collection created by a husband & wife mixology team who I might know if I ever looked at anything on YouTube, apparently.

2. The app is SMART. You can use the "liquor cabinet" feature to tell the app all the stuff you have in your liquor cabinet, and then ask the app to only show you recipes that you have all the stuff to make. Brilliant! And if you're browsing through all the recipes after you've set up your liquor cabinet, each recipe has a little icon on it showing how many of the needed ingredients you have on hand. Of course, you can also search the app by spirit, or keyword too. 

3. The app is DRUNK-FRIENDLY. In addition to the whole "buzzed people are bad at measuring" issue that this thing avoids from the jump, it also lets you set up a "menu" of cocktail recipes. So let's say you're having a party. You go through and decide what drinks you want your guests to be able to make and add them to the menu. Then set up the app to just show your menu of cocktails, and set out only those boozes you want folks to use and everyone can self-bartend using whatever you want them to use and make delicious cocktails with just those items.

The app is there for YOU. Can't find a recipe you like (really???), that's okay. The app is here for you...just enter your own recipe and the app does the rest. 

But, wait. I'm just getting started.

The company has two other apps: Perfect Bake and Perfect Blend. 

Mmmm hmmm. Things are about to get awesomer. 

The company has two other apps -- Perfect Bake which is a collection of baking recipes (in case you hadn't deduced that already) and Perfect Blend, which is a partnership app with VitaMix and is all about smoothies. 

That's right, y'all -- you can use your scale with all three apps! Put your mixing bowl up on the scale, fire up Perfect Bake and add flour until it tells you to stop. Add chocolate chips until it tells you to stop. And then eat a handful of chocolate chips. It's easy, it's precise, and it really minimizes clean up. 

And then there are the smoothies. You tell the Perfect Blend app what kind of blender you're working with and then put the container on the scale and start adding what the app tells you to add and then smoothie your brains out. 

This thing is freaking AWESOME.

Did I mention: this thing is less than $20?

I don't know why you're still reading this.

Go buy one. NOW.

Note: The company makes two versions of the scale -- the 2.0 which is the basic scale I'm reviewing here, and the Pro. The price difference is significant, so you might start with the basic and if you decide you like it and will use it often, maybe upgrade to the Pro which has a digital display screen and a few other bells and whistles, but honestly isn't necessarily worth the upgrade price for everyone. Both the basic 2.0 and Pro scales work with all three apps. 

Pro Tip: The price on the Perfect Bake Pro, Perfect Blend Pro and Perfect Drink Pro are different -- on the day I checked, the Perfect Drink was more than $20 more than the other two Pro models. The scale is identical and can be used with all three apps regardless of which you purchase, and the only difference is what comes with the scale -- a cocktail shaker a smoothie travel cup or baking bowls. Since you can use your own shaker or bowl, you might just want to buy the cheapest one. 

Chapter 5: It's Analog TimeHop!

This is almost actual size. 

Journaling can be hard work.

First of all, it requires discipline. Something I suck at. Real bad. But even if you are disciplined about it, there's the pressure of the blank page. All that space. All that expectation. So much potential. How can you fill up all. that. space? 

That's why I love love love this little journal. It's kind of genius.

It's cleverly designed to be your constant companion for five years. Five years! That's longer than my starter marriage. Longer than that time ombre' hair was a thing. Longer than the expiration time on a can of Spam. Longer than New Coke lasted. Longer than we'll have to endure "the current Administration!"

Ahem.

So here's how it works: For each day of the year, there are five entries, all on the same page. Each entry area is for a different year. So when you turn to a new day, you'll see the entries for that date from the previous years right there on the page. The layout is a little tough to explain in writing, and, for some dumb reason, the product images don't have a good shot of the pages to show you how it works.

You know how you love seeing your Facebook memories, right? Well it's like that! Only you don't have to see the photos reminding you how much thinner you were! Hooray!

And, to help with all that blank page performance anxiety, each day's entry space is small (hence the name "One line a day." Duh.). I'd say it's more like two lines a day, but po-tay-to, po-tah-to, right? The point is, you don't have to write a novel. Just make a quick note. Maybe your high/low of the day. Or the most important thing that happened all day. Or the funniest thing you said. Or the most beautiful thing you saw. Or or or...whatever you want to remember about this day. Or a friend who is trying to get healthy and wants to record their daily progress a la Bridget Jones: "Weight: 170 60 oz of water, 5 minutes of "exercise", two flame wars on TMZ."

I gave one of these to my niece who is wrapping up the seventh ring of Hell that is high school and will be moving on to the adventure that is college. This little journal will cover her entire journey, which I think is pretty neat.

I can imagine this would be a wonderful gift for a friend going on a literal adventure (G, if only I'd discovered this before you left!). Or for a friend about to embark on a life-changing experience, like their first child (Golly, if only I knew someone....).  

The journal is small enough to toss it in your backpack, your purse (well, my purse anyway), stash in your bedside drawer or your glove box.

In today's world of smartphones and tablets and Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat and and and...I find this little journal utterly refreshing and completely charming.

I give it a thumbs up and three totes adorbs hearts. 💙💙💙
And a unicorn. 🦄

Chapter 4: Check out my balls!

Balls!

I admit I bought these suckers out of idle curiosity. What did they DO, exactly? Were they really effective? The whole idea just seemed...weird.

So I got myself some sheep balls.

When they arrived, I was underwhelmed. I don't know what I expected, really. They just weren't remarkable at all. They weren't fuzzy and cute like little sheep. Kind of meh. "Oh, well," I thought, "this is all a grand experiment. Let's just check out these balls." And with that, I tossed 'em in my next load going into the dryer.

Ba-BAM!

They minimized static, just like a dryer sheet.

My clothes weren't wrinkled, just like a dryer sheet.

And then there was this: they reduced my drying time! By a lot!

Say what?!?

Yup, that's right, not only did they do the stuff dryer sheets do, but they also reduced the amount of time it took to dry my clothes. Which means my dryer runs for less time. And it means less wear on my clothes and linens.

There was one downside I noticed: while my balls were impressive, they didn't make my clothes smell nummy-fresh right out of the dryer. And that was a big downside for me because I do the chore of laundry, I want a nummy-fresh smelling bunch of clothes as a payoff for my effort.

My balls didn't smell nummy-fresh.

I checked out the reviews and discovered that I could oil my balls! Just add a few drops of essential oil to each ball to get whatever delicious, delightful, fantastic smell you want.

Now my balls smell like bergamot, ya'll! And I love it!

These things are a no-brainer in my opinion: they do everything you want them to do for your laundry, they help reduce waste and energy use, and you can make them smell like whatever smell you want! You're never out of dryer sheets, and they last for months and months and months, apparently.

So, go ahead...check out my balls. I think you're gonna like 'em.