Chapter 7: As I was saying....

Ooooo...look who's fancy

 
You probably noticed I haven't posted one of these for a while. 

Okay, pretend like you noticed. 

I was locked in a fierce battle with Amazon regarding my affiliate links. After six wildly popular posts and countless purchases made via my links (okay, when I say "countless," I think it was probably more like five, but let's not quibble), I got an email from Amazon saying "Oh, it looks like you're linking from Facebook. Thanks, but we won't pay you for links posted to Facebook."

Which is so dumb.

But, ultimately, me and my five dryer ball referrals were no match for Amazon's twisted logic and they screwed me out of that 30 cents. The Man got me. 

But now I'm back. And ready to show them that I'm the real winner here...6 cents at a time.

So if you decide to buy something I review, click on the link from the blog page. Please. And thank you. 

And, thank you to all of you who did actually go buy stuff! Honestly, when I decided to do this dumb thing, I really didn't think anyone was gonna go buy stuff. So it's been kind of fun to hear from you guys who bought one of these items and like it. Spoiler alert: sheep balls are lifechanging. Told ya.

And now...on with the show. 

From time to time, I post a selfie here and there. Usually when I get bored. Or I'm snowed in (hence my series of holiday-themed selfies). And sometimes friends are kind enough to say things like "Wow! You look amazing! That doesn't even look like you at all!"

Um.

So, what's my secret? Instagram filters, obviously. The ones that blow out all your features so you just look like two disembodied eyes floating in a vaguely flesh-colored and face-shaped space. Or like Cybill Shepard in Moonlighting when it looked like they smeared Vaseline all over the camera lens every time they shot her. And I've mastered the brightness/contrast settings to make the most of the magic that is an Instagram filter.

So, there you have it!

Okay...there is one more thing. 

This little baby. 

Release your inner glamazon with this on-the-go light that clips onto your phone and gives you the full-face lighting of your selfie dreams. Because the more light you have, the fewer wrinkles you "have"!

There are a blue million versions of this thing on the Amazon, but I settled on this one for two reasons:

1. It's rechargeable, so no batteries. 
2. It has three levels of brightnesses. 

The only thing I don't like about it is the color temperature. The LEDs are a cool white, which isn't that warm, buttery Kardashian-y GlamourShot(TM) light...but, and stop me if you've heard this one: the right Instagram filter can fix that for you!

There probably is one on Amazon that has the warm color temperature that I prefer, but seriously, did I mention there are a blue million of these things on Amazon? I don't have that kind of time. It's not like I have a research team over here scouring Amazon for stuff. 

So, go ahead, give in to the call of the selfie siren and make your selfies oh-so-swipe-right-able. Everyone takes them, so stop rolling your eyes and start smizing. It's time you stopped making duckface lips and taking photos of yourself in the bathroom where you didn't notice until it was too late that the mirror shows everyone that box of hemorrhoid cream on the cabinet behind you, and oh by the way, I can also see that you don't have any pants on. 

Treat yo'self! Give yourself a pro-level selfie game that will make your teenage daughter jealous. 

You deserve it.