Chapter 8: The one where I stick needles in my face

Come on baby, make it hurt so good....

You probably wouldn't think that sticking needles into your face over and over again would be a good thing. 

And, yet....

As time marches on and things start to...well, let's just say no one thinks I'm 25 anymore. You know what I'm sayin'. 

Do not go quietly into that good night, y'all! Well, I guess you can go quietly, but for the love of God, don't go all wrinkly and blotchy and saggy and dull and old-lookin'. Resist!

If you opened any door, drawer, or cabinet in my bathroom you would think you fell into the skincare section of a ginormous Sephora. I'm not bragging. It's actually embarrassing. I think about how much money I've spent on lotions and potions and serums and you-name-it...well...let's just say I could have bought a lot of snacks with that money. 

A lot.

But, now? 

I feel like these new soldiers in my anti-aging army are The Ones I've been looking for! Finally! They're like the bad ass old people soldiers in that movie with Bruce Willis and Helen Mirren! 

This is the Helen Mirren of skincare tools! Because I feel like Helen Mirren would totally stab me in the face with teeny tiny needles and tell me to stop whining and that she's only doing it for my own good. 

This is a micro-roller. It's covered in tiny little needles. And you roll this thing all over your face. Basically, you just stab yourself in the face. Over and over and over. Just like Helen Mirren would do!

That sounds great, right? How could that not be awesome?

So why is this not the worst idea ever? Science. These little needles make tiny wounds all over your face. Which does two things: 

1. It makes tiny little holes that are open to whatever serum or treatment you put on immediately afterward, so it helps the ingredients penetrate and do their j-o-b.

2. It stimulates your skin to make new collagen to help heal the teeny tiny holes. And collagen is the good stuff that makes your skin dewy and glowy and plumpy and baby-y. 

After reading a bunch of stuff from skincare experts/dermatologists, I opted to try this one. There are rollers with longer needles, but from what I read, that's not necessarily the best thing...and definitely not the way you want to start. Ease yourself into stabbing yourself in the face.

Let me be clear: I have really sensitive shite skin. It's combination skin. I have pores that can double as places to store spare change...or snacks. I have rosacea and my capillaries are as fragile as a certain orange man's ego. 

I was really unsure about this thing. 

But I figured, hey, what's the worst that could happen? (Okay, so the worst that could happen would be that I stab myself in the face repeatedly and break all my capillaries and wreck my skin irreversibly.)

So I started with once a week. 

Now it's twice a week and I think that's plenty for me. And I think it's making a real difference. A BIG one. 

I'm using a serum of Hyaluronic Acid and Vitamin C both before and after stabbing myself in the face.  And, one of the two times a week I use it, I use a collagen sheet mask afterward. 

I'm not gonna lie: my skin looks so good that I didn't even put an instagram filter on my most recent selfie. 

Dammmmmn. High praise, indeed. 

I understand that some people move on to longer needles or more frequent use. Your mileage may vary. 

I expected this to be just One More Thing In My Drawer. But it isn't -- it's my new must-have and I highly recommend it. Oh, and did I mention it's cheaper than the last bottle of snail serum I bought at the K-Beauty store? 

Get you one, girl. For real.

P.S. As an added bonus, I'm linking to the serum I'm using, too. It's straightforward in its ingredients and well-priced, hasn't caused any negative reaction from my hypersensitive skin and is giving me good results. Oh, and added bonus bonus: these are the sheet masks I'm using. I freaking glow, girl. 

                                

Chapter 7: As I was saying....

Ooooo...look who's fancy

 
You probably noticed I haven't posted one of these for a while. 

Okay, pretend like you noticed. 

I was locked in a fierce battle with Amazon regarding my affiliate links. After six wildly popular posts and countless purchases made via my links (okay, when I say "countless," I think it was probably more like five, but let's not quibble), I got an email from Amazon saying "Oh, it looks like you're linking from Facebook. Thanks, but we won't pay you for links posted to Facebook."

Which is so dumb.

But, ultimately, me and my five dryer ball referrals were no match for Amazon's twisted logic and they screwed me out of that 30 cents. The Man got me. 

But now I'm back. And ready to show them that I'm the real winner here...6 cents at a time.

So if you decide to buy something I review, click on the link from the blog page. Please. And thank you. 

And, thank you to all of you who did actually go buy stuff! Honestly, when I decided to do this dumb thing, I really didn't think anyone was gonna go buy stuff. So it's been kind of fun to hear from you guys who bought one of these items and like it. Spoiler alert: sheep balls are lifechanging. Told ya.

And now...on with the show. 

From time to time, I post a selfie here and there. Usually when I get bored. Or I'm snowed in (hence my series of holiday-themed selfies). And sometimes friends are kind enough to say things like "Wow! You look amazing! That doesn't even look like you at all!"

Um.

So, what's my secret? Instagram filters, obviously. The ones that blow out all your features so you just look like two disembodied eyes floating in a vaguely flesh-colored and face-shaped space. Or like Cybill Shepard in Moonlighting when it looked like they smeared Vaseline all over the camera lens every time they shot her. And I've mastered the brightness/contrast settings to make the most of the magic that is an Instagram filter.

So, there you have it!

Okay...there is one more thing. 

This little baby. 

Release your inner glamazon with this on-the-go light that clips onto your phone and gives you the full-face lighting of your selfie dreams. Because the more light you have, the fewer wrinkles you "have"!

There are a blue million versions of this thing on the Amazon, but I settled on this one for two reasons:

1. It's rechargeable, so no batteries. 
2. It has three levels of brightnesses. 

The only thing I don't like about it is the color temperature. The LEDs are a cool white, which isn't that warm, buttery Kardashian-y GlamourShot(TM) light...but, and stop me if you've heard this one: the right Instagram filter can fix that for you!

There probably is one on Amazon that has the warm color temperature that I prefer, but seriously, did I mention there are a blue million of these things on Amazon? I don't have that kind of time. It's not like I have a research team over here scouring Amazon for stuff. 

So, go ahead, give in to the call of the selfie siren and make your selfies oh-so-swipe-right-able. Everyone takes them, so stop rolling your eyes and start smizing. It's time you stopped making duckface lips and taking photos of yourself in the bathroom where you didn't notice until it was too late that the mirror shows everyone that box of hemorrhoid cream on the cabinet behind you, and oh by the way, I can also see that you don't have any pants on. 

Treat yo'self! Give yourself a pro-level selfie game that will make your teenage daughter jealous. 

You deserve it. 

Chapter 5: It's Analog TimeHop!

This is almost actual size. 

Journaling can be hard work.

First of all, it requires discipline. Something I suck at. Real bad. But even if you are disciplined about it, there's the pressure of the blank page. All that space. All that expectation. So much potential. How can you fill up all. that. space? 

That's why I love love love this little journal. It's kind of genius.

It's cleverly designed to be your constant companion for five years. Five years! That's longer than my starter marriage. Longer than that time ombre' hair was a thing. Longer than the expiration time on a can of Spam. Longer than New Coke lasted. Longer than we'll have to endure "the current Administration!"

Ahem.

So here's how it works: For each day of the year, there are five entries, all on the same page. Each entry area is for a different year. So when you turn to a new day, you'll see the entries for that date from the previous years right there on the page. The layout is a little tough to explain in writing, and, for some dumb reason, the product images don't have a good shot of the pages to show you how it works.

You know how you love seeing your Facebook memories, right? Well it's like that! Only you don't have to see the photos reminding you how much thinner you were! Hooray!

And, to help with all that blank page performance anxiety, each day's entry space is small (hence the name "One line a day." Duh.). I'd say it's more like two lines a day, but po-tay-to, po-tah-to, right? The point is, you don't have to write a novel. Just make a quick note. Maybe your high/low of the day. Or the most important thing that happened all day. Or the funniest thing you said. Or the most beautiful thing you saw. Or or or...whatever you want to remember about this day. Or a friend who is trying to get healthy and wants to record their daily progress a la Bridget Jones: "Weight: 170 60 oz of water, 5 minutes of "exercise", two flame wars on TMZ."

I gave one of these to my niece who is wrapping up the seventh ring of Hell that is high school and will be moving on to the adventure that is college. This little journal will cover her entire journey, which I think is pretty neat.

I can imagine this would be a wonderful gift for a friend going on a literal adventure (G, if only I'd discovered this before you left!). Or for a friend about to embark on a life-changing experience, like their first child (Golly, if only I knew someone....).  

The journal is small enough to toss it in your backpack, your purse (well, my purse anyway), stash in your bedside drawer or your glove box.

In today's world of smartphones and tablets and Facebook and Instagram and Snapchat and and and...I find this little journal utterly refreshing and completely charming.

I give it a thumbs up and three totes adorbs hearts. 💙💙💙
And a unicorn. 🦄

Chapter 3: I am a bath person

I mean...just LOOK at it...beckoning to you...and your wine glass.

I've learned over the course of my life that some people just aren't bath people. Me? I am a bath person. I can see the thinking behind not being a bath person for purposes of getting clean. But for purposes of relaxing, and warming up in the winter, and soaking your sore body, and listening to NPR while you eat yogurt, and having a great excuse to tell people to leave you alone...I'm ALL about a bath.

That's why this purchase spoke to me, even though it tiptoed right outside my "try to keep it under $40" threshold. I was probably more anxious for this one to arrive than any others so far. I was downright giddy about it. And then I had the horrible thought: what if I'm disappointed in it? I need to dial back my giddiness lest I be let down!

Well, great land o' Goshen, this thing turns out to be everything I hoped for...and more!

First, it's adjustable width, and it can go big. Which is good, because we have a weirdly big bathtub. And it's bamboo, so it's made to stand up to splashing and such.

And oh, by the way, it has a super-secure wine glass holder...that's right, A WINE GLASS HOLDER. You just slide your wine glass right into this nifty little spot designed just specifically to hold your wine glass. Genius.

And there's a slot for your phone. Because obviously you NEED your phone in the bathtub. Because you have your bluetooth speaker over there on the counter and you need to be able to skip any tracks that harsh your bathtub mellow. Lucky for you, your phone is right. there.

And there's a spot that I think is probably for a candle. But guess what? It's perfectly sized to hold a wine bottle! Yup, that's right -- a bottle of wine fits right in that sucker. Also, and just as awesome: I have a snack bowl that also fits in it perfectly, so you fill that sucker up with some chocolate covered almonds and hop in the bath and BOOM, your life just got better.

And, the pièce de résistance: this thing has a stand for your iPad or lightweight laptop so you can watch Netflix while you soak! HELL! YES!

Yes, I spent a little more on this one than my daily limit, but I can't tell you how much I love this dumb thing. I weep for all the baths I took over the years that could have been So. Much. More. Awesome.

If you need me...you now know where to find me.
PS: Someone in this house rolled their eyes a lot when the bath caddy arrived. But now, someone in this house is under the weather and spending significant time soaking in the bath and wouldn't you know it: now he thinks this thing is pretty damn cool. Told ya so.

Chapter 2: Is that mint in your water or are you just happy to see me?

Water or vodka? You be the judge.

I mentioned that one of my other, more boring New Year's resolutions is to drink more water -- and that's how I came to buy today's Amazon find. When I'm out in Palo Alto for work, the hotel I stay in always has the tastiest infused water in the lobby. They change it up -- sometimes it's lemons and oranges, sometimes it's cucumbers and mint. Some combinations I like more than others, and I'm always sad when I come running to the lobby with my S'well bottle only to find some jackhole has put blueberries in there. Pass. Superfood my ass. So I decided not to leave my flavored water happiness to chance. No longer will that blueberry fan harsh my mellow, because now, thanks to this little Amazon find, I infuse my own damn water. This bottle comes in lots of nice colors and has a 32 oz capacity -- although it's a bit less once you jam all your fruit in there and drop the infusion core thing in. Because, physics. It's sturdier plastic than I expected for the price (about $15, give or take), though, which is great. They also give you a little booklet with some infusion ideas to get you started, although you can find all sorts of ideas online. And, yes, there is absolutely no reason why you can't also use it to infuse vodka or other spirits. #KnowYourAudience Downsides: the lid on this thing is just dumb. It's huge-mongous and bulky and it flips back and there you are holding this thing, trying to drink out of the weird spout on top with this huge, bulky lid right next to your face. Definitely not a smart or sleek design. And, and most frustrating, the lid design is not intuitive to open the first time. At all. So much so there are entire comments about it on Amazon, plus they put stickers on the bottle to try and tell you the secret, and then they know that doesn't work so they send you a follow up email saying "In case you're wondering how to open your new bottle...." Once you KNOW, it's actually dead simple, but the fact that you have to TELL ME how to open the bottle? FAIL. I still like it just fine. I just don't use it in the manner I thought I would -- I infuse the water in the fridge, then pour it into a giant insulated cup to drink, refill the bottle and put it back in the fridge. Repeat as needed. So I guess I'm really using it more like a small infusion pitcher rather than a traditional water bottle, but that's actually kind of nice because it is compact and doesn't take up much fridge space. In any case, for the price it's just fine, it works well, materials are sturdy, and it's definitely done the job of helping me get my water intake up. BTW: strawberries and oranges FTW.